‎"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

     As I sit here and write this I see my husband playing his video game, my baby girl sound asleep, and my little christmas tree all lit up. And then when I look further into it I see the roof over my head, the bed that I'm sitting on, and the bottled water I have sitting next to me. SO much to be thankful for right? I think that we lose site of our blessings more than we even realize. 
   
   My day today has been a roller coaster. Six hours ago if you would have asked me what my blessings where I would have thought about it for two seconds and simply said... nothing. Today has been one of the most challenging days that I have had as a wife, mother and follower of Christ. Maybe its because it's the holiday season and I'm over a thousand miles away from "my" family. Maybe because my daughter is sick and cranky. Maybe because I have been searching for an apartment for what seems like forever and when we FINALLY find one that is "perfect" my husband tells me that God does not want us there. Or maybe its just because I have been a little bit selfish and let my emotions get the best of me. Bottom line I have not been what God calls me to be. See as a believer the Bible tells me that I'm to summit to my husband because HE is the leader of our household. It also calls me to love others as Christ loved me. And It also tells me to not be blinded by the darkness that satan can throw at me. If I had a report card for today I would have a big fat F.

   Today as I asked God WHY he laid this on my heart:
      It's not that I don't give you more than you can handle Christine. I give you BEYOND what you can handle so you have no choice but to rely on my strength. There is a reason you are not the leader of your home. There is a reason you are not near your family right now. And there is also a reason I did not want you living in that apartment. If you try to control everything in your life and rely on your own strength you will fail. I'm here to carry you!


  WOW! Even typing that is a blessing in its self. I think it is so amazing that no death, circumstance, living situation, addiction, or dead season in our lives can ever make God stop loving us! 


‎"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39
     
  Just another WOW! The Creator of this earth will love us no matter what you have come from or what you may begin to face in the future. I encourage everyone that is reading this to look around and count your blessings and maybe even your hardships and read that verse one more time. Death CAN'T. Demons CAN'T. The past or future CAN'T. Depth CAN'T.  Nothing in this world can separate us from the LOVE of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 


We are loved through every circumstance and that alone will get me through any other day that is just not going the way that I would like it to.

What is it that you need God's love in? He tells us that through it all his love is HERE!

Thank you Jesus!!

"For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." -1 Corinthians 1:25

  I was so excited about starting this blog. Then once I finally did I came up with ever excuse as to why I should not be writing. "Lyla is to cranky." "I need "me" time." "I have more important things to do." ect. Well I have learned that when God calls you to do something satan does anything he can to put a void in it. So here is me saying NO to satan and YES to God.

    Last Saturday it hit me like a ton of bricks that I am so grateful that I have God in my heart and that God chose to give my precious baby life. A healthy life that is. I have been beyond blessed!

    I have a very good friend that announced to me last Saturday that she is choosing to abort her second child today. I have been consumed with anger, love, patience, and frustration. I look at Lyla and my heart breaks that a child today died because this society puts a bunch of CAN'T when the dead on truth is with God, you CAN!

   Having two kids out of wedlock at the age of eighteen is unexceptable to society today because it is not "possible". I have realized that with the grace of God it does not matter what is or is not acceptable to the society we live in. No sin is greater than another. I have a God  that calls me to love others with open arms, not judge others. Mother Teresa once said "If you always judge people you have no time to love them." So simple but so true.

   I have really realized that it doesn't matter what society, or your parents, or your friends accept. It is ALL about what God accepts. God's heart aches no wait, his heart BREAKS every time there is an abortion, a case of abuse, a girl losing her virginity before she is married and so on. Almost every time your heart is aching God's heart is breaking for you! But the truth is once you accept Jesus, God does not give you a sticker that says "Hello my name is... Abuser, Rapist, Murderer, Unloving, Empty, Sinful." ect.  When you are covered in the blood of Jesus your name tag says "Hello, my name is FORGIVEN AND LOVED!"

I encourage everyone reading this to let God's love live through you and stop judging. Love the unlovable. Accept the unacceptable. And care for things you don't care about. The Bible says "Come as you are." Not "Come are you are, if you are perfect." Jesus is the perfect one and that is why it should be so easy to put our trust in him and let his love shine through us!

I truly believe that if we loved a little more that people would feel accepted a little more. I'm not saying to accept the sinful things of this world. I'm saying to accept the people of this world that need the love of Jesus Christ.

In the mean time I ask for prayers for my close friend as she deals with giving her child up. That sweet baby is being held in the perfect arms of their creator and being loved with a never ending love!

Now I'm going to go hold my sweet baby Lyla and lift her up to our creator. She is HIS child and she has HIS love!

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

  
  My first blog post will be my testimony. I feel that throughout my weekly posts about being a young mother there will be a lot of referring to the past and there is no better way to understand it than to hear it. I believe that God wants you to hear it as much as he want me to tell it! I have a history to myself, a history that as brought me down and brought me back up. As I tell you the ups and downs, I ask for you to just remember this one fact.... I'm now covered in the blood of Jesus Christ!

  I was overall a typical little girl. I loved to shop, I loved sports, and more than anything I LOVED to annoy my older siblings. I was very shy, I was the girl known to be hiding behind her Mommy’s leg. I was very attached to my mom. She was my security. Most kids have a blanket or a teddy bear. I had my mom. My father was in and out of my life for different periods of time. But I appreciated the times that I did have with him.
   As I grew up, I went through hardships. I saw different men welcomed into my home that took advantage of me and my family. All I wanted was my mommy to be mine and only mine and as time passed, I got less and less of that. My mom married a man when I was around nine years old. It broke my heart into little pieces. My mom was no longer MINE. When she came home from her honeymoon with two black eye from my step-dad, I knew deep within me that we would now be on an adventure. Their "marriage" should have been labeled "destruction." They looked for fulfillment in each other and when that void was not filled, they went to the next thing they knew... Alcohol. For the next six years I grew up in an alcoholic home. I was abused, I was raped, and I was neglected. I started to look for anything that could fill me, that could give me pleasure and love. I found both in temporary fulfillments that eventually tore my life into little pieces all over again.

Fulfillment one-
Boys. The most typical fulfillment of all. At the age of twelve, I found what I called my first "Everything." He LOVED me. He WANTED me. He ADORED me. Oh how I wish I knew then what I know now. I stayed in this relationship for the next three years. Everyday I was living in fear of loosing this boy. I thought that if I did not have him my heart would literally stop beating. He was the only one who made me feel alive and worthy. He would tell me over and over again that he loved me so it had to be true, right? As I'm writing this part of my story, all I know to do is cry. Cry tears of joy for being out of this relationship today, and tears of an aching heart for every women out there experiencing a relationship with a boy that tears you down, walks all over you, and makes you look and feel so unworthy. I was blind to the destruction for three years, I thought without him that my life would no longer go on. He made me believe that with all of my heart. He was my EVERYTHING. Life without him would mean I had nothing.

Fulfillment two-
Cutting. I started cutting for the attention, then it turned into an addiction. I would use erasers and razor blades and push them as hard as I could into my skin rubbing them back and forth. I wanted to feel something. Anything. I remember saying to myself "THIS is the only pain that I can control." Today I have scares on my legs and arms, but I promise you they are scares of victory!

Fulfillment three-
I remember when I took my first sip of alcohol. I was ten years old. My friends and I would take beers out of the fridge and hide them in my top dresser drawer, I remember drinking warm beer and watching Full House. At ten drinking was a fun thing to do with my friends. By the time I was thirteen, it made me feel like I was on top of the world. Nothing mattered anymore.
  The party life became very appealing to me. I remember waking up in random peoples homes wondering how the heck I got there and how the heck I was going to get home. Drinking led to me letting people take advantage of my body and me not caring about anybody around me. I would "steal" people’s boyfriends and brag about it the next day. This was not the innocent little girl anyone once knew, but I no longer cared.
Eventually alcohol became very boring to me. I hated the headaches and sickness that came with it, so I started smoking weed and snorting different pills. One night when I was high, I remember laying in my bed thinking my bed was spinning in circles. I could not talk or move a muscle. I woke up the next morning wanting nothing more than to chase that next high. When I was high, time seemed to go on forever without me feeling a thing. I was now in love with my drugs, and nobody came before my new friend named "Drug." "Drug" destroyed my schooling, my relationships, and my body.

Fulfillment four-
Girls. After a handful of boys hurt me, I went to the next thing that I knew. Girls made me feel secure. I started dating girls, but soon realized they hurt me just as much if not more as boys. I would share my addictions and fears with them, and they would be quick to spread the word of all my weaknesses. Best friends turned into girlfriends then they eventually turned into enemies. I soon had more enemies than I did friends so alcohol and drugs just continued to take its toll.

Fulfillment five-
Death. I looked to my Mom, boyfriends, cutting, drugs and alcohol, and girls. They all seemed to fulfill me at different times and for different amounts of time, but very soon I came to the end of myself. I remember my mom yelling at me saying "Go blow your F****** brains out!" I believed that the best ending for my life would be for me to end it myself. If my own mom didn't want me then who would? I was ready to be done. In my head, tomorrow would just be another day of destruction anyways.
  It was October 1, 2008. I went to the kitchen cabinet and took many different packets of pills. I wrote my goodbye letter and took each pill, one by one, with a glass of grape juice. I remember as I took each one saying "This one is for my mom, this one is for my boyfriend, this one is for my weed, this one is for the sex, this one is for my friend, and this one is for me." I went to bed that night hoping that I would would not see light in the morning. I woke up throwing up over and over again wondering why I was not dead. No matter how hard I tried, I could not fall back asleep. I looked at the clock and it was time for school. I was so confused why and how I’d made it through the night. My friends turned in my suicide letter, and I was brought to the hospital when I arrived at school. I was then admitted to a treatment facility for about three weeks. I wanted nothing more than to be dead so, why wasn't I?

Fulfillment six-
JESUS CHRIST! The weekend after I had left treatment, I asked the most faithful and fulfilling God to come into my heart. I was the first of hundreds of people to run to a front stage and say "God, I WANT YOU! I NEED YOU!" I raised my hands in worship to the song "Lead me to the Cross." saying "God LEAD me. LOVE me. Please!" I will never forget this one fulfillment. It will be with me for eternity. I was broken and lost. I felt worthless and when I had nothing left, God said "You my daughter, have had me all along." He held me in his arms and loved me with a love that I had never felt before. God was with me through my abuse, my loneliness, my brokenness, and my blindness. He knew that He had a plan for my life, and He was waiting all along. I was ready, and that is all I had to be. The bible says "Come as you are." I came as I was and He molded me into a Godly young women that now chased the fulfillment of his heart.
   Today I stand here sober, loved, pure, and FREE! Free of Satan work in my life. Satan tried to destroy me but GOD repaired me and continues to repair me today. He is the one that will never leave my heart nor break me down. After accepting Jesus I still had many different struggles but things were different. I now had someone on my side giving me strength and loving me every step of the way, when before I felt alone and broken. I love my Jesus and I love my Father! I'm so grateful that He gave me life and that He continued to allow me to go through my struggles so I can now share this with you today as a strong young women!

This is what I have today...

- A loving husband who encourages me daily to write about my past and share the love of Jesus. He is a blessing in himself! Nick, I love and thank you so much!

-A beautiful little girl named Lyla. She brings light to my world everyday. I cannot wait to see the young Godly women she becomes! (Well, maybe I can.)

-My mom is sober today and is now my best friend. She has found God and will soon be sharing her own story to people in jail. I love you Mommy and thank God that I have you back!

-Joel and Kelly shared God with me through these years and brought me to the event where I accepted Jesus. Thank you both for allowing God to use you in my life!

-Wonderful friends and family. Thank you all for your support and encouragement, you are what keeps me writing!

-An AMAZING God that has been so very faithful. He has blessed me and loved me! HE freed me! Praise God!

This song, is a song for anyone that is struggling, lost, confused, or the people that just need a reminder. Jesus loves each and every one of us and he is just waiting to hold all of his children in his arms....

Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. -Matthew 10:39

Thank you for all the prayers and love! If your heart is seeking Jesus please talk to someone, he loves you the same way that he loves me. You can contact me at Christine6509@gmail.com. God Bless!